Portrait: Chris
My name is Chris and I’m here to tell my story after being inspired by other survivors who have already shared theirs. I don’t like to talk about myself, but I think I need to practice doing this, and, for some reason, I thought this would be a safe place to start.
A little bit about Chris
My name is Chris and I’m here to tell my story after being inspired by other survivors who have already shared theirs. I don’t like to talk about myself, but I think I need to practice doing this, and, for some reason, I thought this would be a safe place to start.
Where my story starts
Four years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Though, I believe incorrectly, because shortly after my diagnosis and returning from the hospital, the medication the doctors gave me woke me up with intense heart pounding and the inability to feel any of my limbs but my arms. This progressed to a sharp pain all over my body. I crawled out to my living room and called 911. I was taken to the emergency room and diagnosed with acute akathisia. They gave me a shot of benadryl and steroids I believe... I can’t remember honestly.
It was terrifying. I almost died.
My pain and recovery
So, physical pain wise...akathisia sucks. Really bad. Imagine needles puncturing every inch of your body. My legs would tingle occasionally for weeks, unless I was sitting in a hot tub listening to music. Music was a big part of my recovery. Reorganizing my mind was laborious, but music was like a break that actually helped. It was the exercise that my mind needed.
As I was working things out in my mind, I also noticed that I went through similar stages and phases as I did in childhood. For example, I’m currently trying to get over my 16 to 18-year-old love for Crispix!
As far as my emotional experiences go, as a person with a diagnosed capability of playing back every second of my life like a movie, I still don't remember much. I'm not accustomed to memory loss. It frightens me. It leads me to question where I truly lie on the line between genius and insanity.
Adapting to a new me and reconsidering my career
I pride myself on being brilliant. At 35, I had software running on every phone in the world. Yet, a few days later when visiting my sister’s house as I sat in the hot tub with her and my brother-in-law, I was distraught. I didn’t know whether I’d be able to write software again.
The part of my mind that I loved the most was gone - all I felt was despair.
I spent the next year at a new job. I couldn’t look my old team in the face and tell them that I didn’t know if I could be their boss any more. So, I just decided not to and got a job at CVS as Native Mobile Accessibility Architect. This would seem like a hard job to some, but for me it was instinct, so I could do it. Though, even this was something I struggled with for a while. It only exercised the logical side of my brain. I also got reacquainted with my brothers and exercised my mind by playing lots of video games. I know they get a bad reputation, but to me they are the best brain exercise. They pull me out of my mind while also being a certain kind of strategic thought exercise. As a theoretical Cognitive Inclusion and Artificial Intelligence expert, I would say that they exercise your quantum computer...which I apparently desperately needed.
Turning adversity into triumph
Three years later, I feel so much better that I quit my job at CVS to start my own company; I made almost $200,000 in revenue in my first year in business with my mobile accessibility company, and I’m well positioned to grow. I just promoted myself to CEO and next month, I plan to start submitting TedTalk applications to introduce the world to my Theory of Everything.
As an introvert, I’m still hoping the high point is around the corner, but this seems high enough for now!
My advice to others
Forget what’s happening now: you have very little control over it. But you do have control over your long-term goals and how motivating they are to you in that moment. Your actions in those moments will help you manifest that long-term goal that’s certainly not going to happen as quickly as you want it to.
Surround yourself with friends so the arduous moments of recovery will refill your heart instead of draining your soul. For a quote, I’m going to share something somebody said to me in the mental health hospital on my last visit: “You know that Robert Frost poem? You didn’t take the road less traveled by, you hacked your way through the forest.”
Thank you SameYou for encouraging me to be brave and share my story, and thank you for giving others the space to share theirs. You’re amazing.